Quick geography check-in! The Baker’s Dozen all live on Kitchen Island, which is just a little ways away from the Mainland. It’s accessible to the Mainland by little boat or a very rigorous swim.
Here’s a map for quick reference, but please let’s be clear – this is only the major highlights of Kitchen Island. For example, there’s also a bike repair shop owned and operated by Pistachia. It didn’t make the map because this book isn’t really about bikes. It’s about baking and so really no need to talk about Pistachia’s passion for cycling. But since you’re so OBSESSED with Pistachia’s Pedals & Chains Fix-It Shop, it’s actually across the street from the Cave of Utensils. Can we continue???
The Baker’s Dozen live harmoniously on Kitchen Island. Mama Limone’s orchard is forever fruiting and ingredients are plentiful! Between their little jobs at the creamery, the hive, the coffeeshop, the bike shop, etc., the Baker’s Dozen meet up at the Big Ol’ House for meals. Each meal is a loving collab and a chance to experiment on new recipes. (The most successful recipes get immortalized in the Hall of Recipes. Like doy.)
Wellllllll – not everything was sunshine & lollipoops. You see, Gene Shallot was quite literally the odd man out. While his sisters loved him deeply, they teased him mercilessly. They were like “Gene! Nice mustache!” But then also be like “Opposite Day!” And when it came time for family meal prep, Gene was often sidelined. Gene would hold up a turnip or a rutabaga and be like “what about this?” and the others would be like “Gene Shallot! You’re completely helpless. You’re such a disease. You’re what the French call ‘les incompetents’”. *
Gene’s self esteem really bottomed out, y’all! He loved his family, but couldn’t understand why no one gave a hoot about his daikons and celeriac! What gives?
Gene has a really beautiful heart-to-heart with Mama Limone and they sing a rip-off duet of “It’s Not Easy Being Green”, but it’s “It’s Not Easy Being a Weird Little Onion”. Despite what feels like catharsis, Gene decides he needs to take a journey to really discover himself.
So Gene builds himself a little boat and sets sail to the Mainland, which has been heavily populated by monkeys for the longest time – you can clearly see the Mainland monkeys from Kitchen Island. But when Gene rolls up – he sees this one particular monkey standing on two legs, using opposable thumbs, banging rocks with other rocks (primitive tools???) and talking to herself. She’s like “grunt grunt! I’m very hungry.” Y’all – this is humans!
Gene is like “Oh hi! I’m Gene Shallot.”
Human #1: “Oh hi! My parents are both monkeys, but here I am – a human woman. Lol!”
Gene: “Yes! You speak beautiful English! And – I couldn’t help but overhear you say that you’re hungry.”
Human #1: “Can I get real with you? All of the sudden, I’m noticing the tiniest chill in the air, plants are turning brown, days are feeling shorter, I’m yearning for chunky sweaters and my once abundant food supply isn’t so abundant.”
Gene: “Oh – yes – we call this AUTUMN! Haha! But you’re in luck – start digging and welcome to Gene’s world! This rock-looking thing? It’s a potato! These dumb potatoes are everywhere!”
Human #1: “Ohmygod”
Gene: “Yeah – don’t eat it just yet – it’s nothing!” Gene then takes off his thick-as-shit glasses and uses them to start a fire.
Human #1: “Uh oh!”
Gene: “Yep! Out here, fire is life (lol – Jeff Probst / Survivor much?). Promise me you’ll be careful.” Gene opens up his fanny pack and pulls out some coals, some tin foil, some butter, salt and shredded cheese and explains how to cook a baked potato in campfire coals. This is the first ever baked potato.
“Anyway – keep digging! Root vegetables are all around you and so hearty! The underground is a wonderground!”
Human #1: “How can I repay you?”
Gene: “Remember my name forever – Gene Shallot!”
Human #1: “I will – In fact, I just decided my name – the name of the very first human ever will forever commemorate your benevolence! My name will from this day forward shall be POTATO!” And so it was – the first human on Planet Earth was named Potato.
Buoyed by his Mainland discovery (humans!) and his newfound confidence, Gene rowed himself back over to Kitchen Island. He walked into the Big Ol’ House in time for dinner and had to re-adjust his glasses. His sisters found Gene’s recipe notebook and surprised him with a welcome-home cocktail party. The featured hors d’oeuvre was Gene’s Mini Shallette Galettes – and everyone was wearing a little mustache! Cute cute cute!
And – that’s basically the end of that dumb story!
Recipes: Campfire Potato, Lil Onion Pie (aka Shallette Galette)
*This is from Home Alone!
I'm Writing A Cookbook!!! 