I'm Writing A Cookbook!!!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

Remember from April when I was like my cookbook is all about bakers’ dozens. And so I’m going to do roundups of my monthly faves, OK???? I’m a funky tastemaker!

1. I was in LA last month and had a little food tour. My online buddy (@thefullbellyblogger) recommended a fun place in Santa Monica called Heavy Handed. It was giant smash-burgers and fries and beer, but I’m still thinking about the funfetti soft serve.

2. And while we’re at it, I’ll just add my buddy’s substack. He lives in LA but travels all over and makes the best recommendations. And it doesn’t hurt that he and his huz are super-cute. THIS IS THE SUBSTACK!

3. Also on the food tour was Father’s Office. This. THIS – THIS WAS THE BEST BURGER ON THE TOUR. If you’re already in LA, like this is like so stupid. You already know. But if you visit LA and want a great burger – this is the real one.

4. Last LA reco and I promise we’ll move on. Go to the Barney’s Burgers at the Brentwood County Mart and get the giant onion rings.

5. Bicycles! Now that it’s warmish and drying out in Columbus, I can ride my bike up to downtown Worthington and get wine and gummy worms from Fresh Thyme and bike home!

6. Adidas Decon Samba shoes!

I bought my first pair a few weeks ago and at first they were a little tight, but I was like “no! Keep wearing them” and I did keep wearing them and now they’re my favorite

7. Claritin. Y’all – I’ve got the worst allergies, but dammit! Claritin really helps! (Mid-April – early May)

8. Reykjavik tie mural!

9. These fucking cookies. (Bakabaka bakery, Reykjavik)

10. Iceland bounce pillows! If you ever go to Iceland, find one of these and have the most fun of your dumb life. LINK HERE!!!!

11. Maya Rudolph as Beyoncé on Hot Ones. Just great.

12. Mary & George on Starz. OK – this is like period drama about a weird old English king and his GAY LOVER. Oooooh weeeeeee! It’s spicy. The gay lover is this straight dude who is playing a lot of gay rn, but is v handsome, so we let it pass, right? And he gets extra cool points for being in Bottoms which was the best movie in recent history. And – there is a LOT of nudity here, team. Wow wow wow! Just great!

13. And since we’re on the subject – Bottoms. That movie is so fucking great and I just love it. Here’s a little Easter egg – the high school mascot is a dog with a giant wiener. Watch this movie for Ayo Edebiri (who is the best ever) but be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the mascot. (Here it is because I think it’s very funny.

Coming up with dozens of recipes for a whole damn cookbook is hard. If you’re lucky, your grandma was a beautiful, old Italian witch who lived in a cave and did nothing but cook and bake and then shared her recipe notebook with you before she moved on to Ghost City. The rest of us losers have to come up with all our own recipes using our dumb brains. Well friends, I’ve invented a machine designed to tickle our mind-nipples and jumpstart recipe brilliance.

BEHOLD – the Recipe Inspiration Machine (RIM).

Are you ready for a RIM JOB? Here’s how it works! (Note for later: reconsider RIM JOB.)

First off, make a cootie-catcher. Here’s a video in case an olden-times 3rd gade girl is unavailable to help you with this simple AF origami project.

On the outside, write the kinds of things your book is about. Like if you’re a baker, do what I did and write COOKIE, CAKE, PIE and ICE CREAM SITUATION on the outside tabs. If your book is like savory whatevers, maybe your tabs are like APPETEASER, SALAD, ENTREE, SIDE PIECE. If your book is seasonal bullhonk, it’s like WINTER, ALLERGY SEASON, SUMMERTIME SADNESS, and AUTUMN. Do whatever the fuck you want.

And then the inside flaps are all just numbers. I find that a simple 1 – 8 numbering system suffices, but again – DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

Now, here’s the fun part. Beneath each inside flap, write in ingredients designed to challenge you!

I chose a variety of ingredients that I think would stretch my brains to think new thoughts! Just imagine a blue cheese cake! WOW! And what about a figgy ice cream? NEAT!

But again – choose ingredients that apply to your field of interest. If your cookbook is cocktail themed, maybe your inside flaps should be like MAPLE SYRUP, BUD LIGHT, CEREAL MILK, BONG WATER, CRÈME DE MENTHE, SUNNY D, BANANA PUDDING and CLAMATO. I can’t stress this enough – it’s up to you, Magoo. So have fun and do whatever curls your short hairs!

Once your flaps have all been filled out, you’re off to the races! Every recipe will be a guaranteed smash-hit and that’s a RIMMER GUARANTEE!

NOTE: If you like this idea and it helps you with actual recipes that end up in a published cookbook, you had better add my dumb name (AND FACE) in your Acknowledgements section.

OK! Thanks for reading this and god bless!

Hey Team –

Writing a damn cookbook on top of a full-time job is exhausting! I was like “give me a literal break!” And so last week, I took a vacation! To ICELAND!

Iceland Vacation 2024 was me, my sister Rita and her huz Eric. My man Jimmy was invited but was TC;HP. (Too cold; hard pass.)

And – guess what. It was a FUCKING DELIGHT. In just 4 days, we crammed in the absolute most. Waterfalls, geysers, black sand beaches, the penis museum, sad beluga sanctuary, puffin hunting, random tomato plantation, blue lagoon, and eating our dam faces off.

I admit I was nervous about the food situation. In my mind, Scandi cuisine is fermented reindeer, pickled herrings and so much fucking dill. Y’all – I was (mostly) damn wrong!

So – for posterity’s sake and as maybe-cookbook-inspiration, here’s my Iceland food review!

I’m gonna just keep this list TIGHT and just give the rundown on the 5 best things:

1. The famous Iceland hotdog, Bæjarins Beztu Pylsur (Reykjavik, and also the Reykjavik airport?). OK! This is like a hotdog cut with lamb meat (???) and has like mustard, remoulade and crispy onions. I mean – like it’s not like an extraordinary hotdog by any stretch, but when you’re fresh off a 5-hour red-eye, a hotdog is actually pretty fucking great!

2. Choco-Chip Cookies, Bakabaka Bakery (Reykjavik). Like, am I a dumb bitch? (Lolololol, very likely.) But right after hotdog is chocolate chip cookie? Yes, I see why this is troublesome. Well, all I can say is this is MY LIST and I DO WHAT I WANT! And – y’all – I say this choco chip cookie is maybe the best CCC in the whole wide world. Like – it’s buttery and maybe there’s molasses in it? I can’t describe it, but it’s like almost caramely?? And I’ve never seen this shape before which makes me incredibly horned up because of its specialness???

3. Langoustine Taco, Sjávargrillið (Reykjavik). OK – so this is like a cute little taco with like a fish nugget on it. But it’s not fish, it’s a shrimpy lobster. And, per science, lobsters is bugs. So – this is basically a bug taco. In retrospect, I’m getting sick thinking about it.

4. ????? Cheesy Baguette Situation with like Cream of Mushroom Soup Like Baked Inside of It, Vigtin Bakhús (Westmann Islands). I’m not fully clear what this thing was. It looked like cheesy baguette and Iceland’s version of Sophia Petrillo asked me if I wanted it warmed up. I said yep! And so – with knife & fork – I tucked in. Surprise surprise – a weird soup was hiding inside! And I loved it!

5. Tomato soup! Friðheimar (Reykholt). Y’all – Iceland is 90% glaciers, 9% volcano, 0.9% weird lumpy land and 0.1% new greenhouses. Greenhouses!!! There’s a banana plantation! And – also – tomatoes! We had a lovely tomato soup and crummy bread in a cute-ass greenhouse wine bar like 2 hours outside Reykjavik. Beware though – it’s a hot-spot for bus loads of old ladies. But do the wine bar! It’s so cute!

BONUS!!!

The Blue Lagoon signature cocktail, Lava Restaurant (Blue Lagoon). It’s gin and blue stuff and passion fruit and egg white and it’s so damn delicious. Just really good and I loved it!

BONUS 2: Weirdo gummy nuns???

Team –

Need help.

One of the main characters in this dumb cookbook is supposed to be a mushroom expert (Muse of Mushrooms, Enoki). And so, there needs to be at least ONE mushroom recipe in this book or the whole shit falls apart. TBH – I’m only a recent acceptor of mushrooms (a fun-guy? lolololol? barf) and so my mushroom repertoire is pretty small.

In fact – it’s one thing.

It’s Mushroom Quiche.

And so here it is. The Are These Mushroom Poison? Mushroom Quiche. It also has spinach and raclette in it and I decorated it real nice with the extra pie dough from the Pillsbury Two-Pack. (YES – I buy pre-made pie dough. Meet me on the corner of Deal Street and With It Avenue!)

And so – the recipe is pretty simple. It’s 6 eggs, milk, chopped up spinach, mushrooms and raclette (and some salt & pepper) in a pre-made pie crust and then more pie-crust on top and then bake for like 30 at 400. (Future editors – I will do up a full recipe in the book, I PROMISE).

And I guess the last thing to say is…

GIRL, I MUST WARN YOU

I sense something strange in my mind!

This breakfast quiche is SERIOUS….

Let’s cure it cuz we’re running out of time (30 minutes bake time, lol?)

Miss her, kiss her, love her (Enoki – aforementioned mushroom goddess)

Wrong (mushroom) move and you’re dead!

And – never trust a big butt & a smile!

Ok – if anyone has any other mushroom recipes, please email me!!!! THANKYOUSOMUCH!

There’s a DRINK that’s been on my mind – all the time!

And it’s a SUSSUDIO!

Tee hee!

It’s 80° here in Columbus today (April 27!) and so even though it’s not technically summer, it sure does feel that way! Because it’s April, we refuse to turn on the air-con, so I am sweating (lol – fat much?). But – feeling all warm and gross – I was like “it’s time for the drink of the summer!”

Summer cocktails need to be chilled and fruity and very fun! And that’s Sussudio for you! She makes me nervous – makes me scared – but I feel so good if I just say the word!

SUSSUDIO!

What’s a Sussudio? I know you’re absolutely DYING to know! Well, I’m not going to keep you waiting on pins and needles!

It’s literally just a glass of the cheapest rosé you can find at the Piggly Wiggly with a damn pomegranate popsicle popped in it. That’s it! Isn’t that the best?

It is! It is the best! Just like the song Sussudio, which is the best song ever recorded!

You guys – this isn’t in the cookbook. This really is not at all cookbook related, but I just felt that I needed to do a little blog post for POSTERITY’S SAKE!

Happy summer, y’all!

Dear Penguin –

First/foremost, #FashionGoals.

My name is Jack and I’ve been working on a cookbook proposal for a few months now. The whole point of this very blog is to document progress on the proposal so I thought it would be fun to talk with you – my future benefactor.

And I’m sure you’ve been following my progress from the home office you’ve set up in your sewer lair. I also work from home! You and I aren’t so different!

I’m really excited about the idea of working together and the long list of books we’ll publish! I’ve already got a boffo idea for my sophomore title. It’s half cake recipes and half personal finance advice called Baking & Banking! Chapter one is a carrot cake and a HELOC (that’s a home equity line of credit! Tee hee!). That one is for sure gonna get me the James Beard Gold Star!

Once this blog and my books get noticed by the glitterati, I hope you’ll escort me to my first Met Gala! I’ll be like “Penguin, this is Anna Wintour” and you’ll be like “I thought you said Anna Winter! quack quack I love cold climate and bad puns.” The three of us will laugh and laugh.

I know this is all wishful thinking, but you know what they say – if you can conceive it and you believe it, YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT!

OK! Write back soon!!!! Quack quack!

JV

Skipping around again – now to Chapter 7, Lactosa Intolerant. In this chapter, Lactosa (muse of all things dairy) gets bamboozled by a human slut named Gorgonzella. Gorgonzella is like *flirt flirt flirt* “I need help standing out at my local farmers market” and Lactosa shares with Gorgonzella the secrets of cheese-, butter- and ice cream-making.

But then Lactosa discovers that Gorgonzella tells everyone at the farmers market that she invented cheese, butter and ice cream all on her own, with no divine interventions whatsoever. An enraged Lactosa curses Gorgonzella and all of the other farmers in the farmers market with gastro-intestinal distress. And she does this cursing with her magic mozzarella stick wand.

Are you guys following??? The recipe at the end of this chapter is a mozzarella stick magic wand. And today was the day I prototyped it for the first time. I took a lot of notes and plan on trying this again once my cheese reserves have been replenished, but not for nothing – I think Prototype #1 turned out pretty good!

Anyway – I posted my sketch for this on Facepage the other day and this guy IRVIN LIN (@eatthelove) gave me a few tips on how to make this work. Fun story – back when I worked at Wendy’s Corporate, Irvin worked as a graphic designer for a consultant we used and I met him in real life like 15 years ago. I was like “hey brains, definitely remember this guy, because 15 years from now, he’s going to help you figure out a mozzarella stick magic wand.” And that’s a true story!

Here’s another fun story very loosely related to this thing: I LOVE MOZZARELLA STICKS! In fact, here’s a concept I drew out for what I think could be a VERY VIABLE BUSINESS IDEA.

I can’t believe this doesn’t already exist in the world because it’s low-cost and low-operational-complexity and every fucking person loves mozzarella sticks.

In case there are angel investors out there who would like to support this business venture, please contact me ASAP.

Here’s a behind-the-scenes peek into my process. I’m working a little out of order on recipe development. This week, I’m working on a concept called Meatloaf Monsters because it’s still a little cool temp-wise in Columbus this weekend and I just don’t want to be firing up a 400 degree oven when it’s hotter than the devil’s danglers outside.

Meatloaf Monsters won’t show up in my dumb cookbook until like maybe Chapter 13 or 14. A real end of the book idea…. The story behind the Meatloaf Monster sits right on top of the Hades / Persephone myth. You see, in the world of the Baker’s Dozen, there’s a character named Baconetta who is the muse of occasional meats. She was blasted out of a volcano fully formed and wearing a lime green bikini. No follow-up questions, OK? Without giving too much away, she gets kidnapped by a monster who is half-man half-meatloaf and his name is Steve.* You’re gonna have to buy the book to get the details….

And here’s my first draft of a meatloaf monster recipe:

• 3lb ground turkey (this is a turkey meatloaf FYI)
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup breadcrumbs
• 1/3 cup parmesan shreds
• 1/4 cup chopped onion
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• 1 tsp chopped parsley

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees and get your baking dish oiled up.

Dump your ingredients into a large mixing bowl and mix them all up with your hands. Divide the combined meat-mixture into two balls / then shape into loaf shapes.

Now then – decorate your meat loaves with whatever you’ve got still hanging around the kitchen. Onions make great eyes and teeth. (NOTE – I made a mouth reservoir and filled it with ketchup and that’s where the onion teeth go.) Parsley makes great eyebrows and mustaches. That’s what I did here, but get creative. Meatloaf monsters should be scary, but not too scary.

Once you have great medium-scary monsters, pop them in the oven for a full hour. And that’s that! Enjoy!

*LAST THING – Steve is a placeholder name until I come up with something better.

For every recipe that makes it in to a cookbook, there are like 8,000 recipes that end up in an idea cemetery. And here we are – the first of many recipes that I’m dragging and dropping into the Trash folder.

Friends – behold! The Lean Cuisine Pizza Cake.

What I like about this idea is – not everyone likes sweet shit, so this is a savory alternative that can be just as celebratory as your classic buttercream nightmare.

But, you guys, this is just 5 microwaved LC pizzas. Just because you don’t like the sweets doesn’t mean you have given up on life. (In case someone from the brand team at Lean Cuisine reads this, please note that LCs make up a solid 25% of my current diet! HELP ME????)

In case there’s anyone out there that wants to take a crack at improving upon LC Pizza Cake, I’ll point out that the recipe is really just 5 microwaved pizzas – your choice, but I think for decoration purposes, it makes sense to have a cheese pizza on top so you have a blank canvas to work on. I used mini pepperonis and cheddar cheese as the cake-top decorations, but get creative! Use olives, egg, mushrooms – whatever the fuck you want. (Pineapple? Sure – if you’re disgusting! Go for it!). The point is – this is a pizza and the options for toppings (topping options? Toptions?) are endless. But that’s it! It’s a stack of pizzas! Hahahaha!

And – just so you can see an alternative decoration idea – here’s this…

Listen – the more I look at this piece of shit, the more I’m falling in love with it. So – who knows??? Maybe we’ll figure out a place for it somewhere down the road…. If there’s anyone out there that has idears for improvement, please email me immediately.

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

I’m adding a new monthly listicle to this dumb blog – a run-down of 13 of my favorite things for the month or what I’ve been up to or whatever. It’s 13 because my book concept is The Baker’s Dozen as is stated in the Book Summary, ok??? (👈🏼)

So let’s get it on!

1. Hyacinths! You guys – we’ve got hyacinths in our front yard! What a treat!

2. I’m so excited that there’s a Ripley show on Hulu right now, because it gives me a chance to do my incredible impressions. Impression #1 Cate Blanchett: “Dickie!? Dickie Greensleeves??? Is that you I see??? It’s me – MEREDITH! From the BOAT!” And Impression #2 is the gay guy at the very end (Peter Smith Kingsley): “Tom is smart. Tom is mysterious. Tom is MURDERING ME!”

3. I spent the last few days in Nashville and last night, my friends took me to Tiger Bar in East Nashville. It’s like a traveling carnival themed lil craft cocktail dump and the best drink is the Beneath The Cards. It’s gin and pear business and it has a pear / dill foam and then they put a lil tarot card on top. The tarot card is fun – but that drink is so fucking good! (TIGER BAR!)

4. I did my taxes and I’m getting $500 back. I need to check my withholdings because it’s usually a lot more than that. But – VOLPI VICTORY – it only took 2 hours and I didn’t cry!

5. My sister is working on some real cute shit for Letter Writing Month! Check it out!!! (@foxandcompass)

6. Y’all know I’m medium obsessed with Rachel Belle and her cute podcast Your Last Meal. Well, she done did it again! She’s on TV with a Pacific NW food thing called The Nosh and it’s great. Well done, pal! Bagel episode here!

7. I just bought 800 of these t-shirts from Old Navy because I think they’re so comfy! Old Navy shirts!

8. Is everyone still watching Rupaul Drag Race? Loving the final 3 – and I’m really hoping Nymphia Wind wins. Great great great!

9. I fucking love that Blackbird on the Cowboy Carter album so much.

10. And this yogurt!

11. Everyone’s talking about NY Times Connections, but is anyone else playing Strands? So fun!

12. And I’m taking French lessons again on Duolingo and not to blow my own French horn (lol) but my brains are très agréables!

13. Last but not least – my fake internet boyfriend of the month is this cookbook hunk Andy Baraghani. hubba hubba!