On Valentine’s Day

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Hello!

I did some digging around on the origins of Valentine’s Day and I was NOT DISAPPOINTED!  Y’all – it’s wild!

OK – so back in ancient Roman times, Feb 14 was right in the middle of this festival called Lupercalia – which celebrated the she-wolf who gave her sweet sweet wolf milk to Romulus & Remus.

OH HELLO!

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The wolf priests of Rome would honor Mama Wolf by sacrificing a goat and a dog and having a party.  Oh – and – because they were all about getting the most out of their sacrifices, they made dang whipping lashes out of the goat and dog hides.

Now, here’s where it gets exciting.  The menfolk would get real nude, real crunk and oiled up and take their goat / dog lashes and run around the city whipping their ladies (playfully, obviously), which (also obviously) would inspire fertility.  FACT: these whips were called februa, which is where we get the word February – goat / dog whips, y’all!  NEAT!!!!!

At some point, the ladies put their names in a jar and then naked guys pull the names out and – wow! neat! – that’s your love partner for the day.  Toga Tinder!  (Note – toga tinder is so stupid – come up with better joke later….)

So, here we are – it’s February and the Romans are naked, so much whipping, do the dirty all over town.  THEN – the Christians move into the neighborhood and they’re like “Jesus Christ”.  (literally!)  “We can’t have this nonsense – no way no day! But we do like the idea of light snacks and maybe a fun mixer.  Let’s co-opt this shitshow with a more dressed-up version.  Hey – do we have any saints martyred in February?  Valentine?  Sure – let’s name it after that guy.”

This is 100% absolutely the story of Valentine’s Day and don’t even bother looking it up on the Internet, because I’ve already told you what it is and I’m a man – DON’T QUESTION ME!

BONUS (Bone-us?): here’s St. Valentine’s skull which is in Rome!  Neat Neat Neat!

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Well, I sure do hope y’all enjoy your VD’s.  Jimmy and I are going to MEXICO CITY on Friday!  I’m so excited, I could plotz!

BYE!

 

Gobblers Knob Funfetti Cake!

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Happy Groundhog Day!

Y’all!

Rita and the Skipper are in Costa Rica for the week. JOKE: wouldn’t it be great if there were a coaster store there called COASTER RICA?

Have you all died from laughter-induced internal bleeding?

Jimmy thinks that store should sell margaritas too so it could be called Coaster Rita. Sometimes I want to murder him and then break up with his corpse for trying to pile on to my hilarious jokes. MY JOKES ARE FUNNY ENOUGH AS THEY ARE!

Here are two more things that I’m not crazy about:

1. Cameron and Clare both do this thing where instead of saying “yes! I agree with you”, they say “I don’t disagree”. I don’t disagree = I agree (but also I kind of think you’re an idiot). Oh it makes me so mad.

2. When people post vague bullhonk on their face page or whatever about “big fun things are coming soon” or “send me all the thoughts and prayers for a thing I can’t talk about”. Oh fuck you. Just say whatever the thing is – or just wait until the thing has happened. Teasers are so stupid and I don’t care and I WILL UNFOLLOW YOU AND SPLASH ACID ON YOUR GENITALS.

That said, I’m approaching a real life crossroads that I can’t really talk about at the moment. It’s about 70% terrifying but also not terrifying and maybe could be awesome. I’m splashing acid on my own genitals as we speak because why am ever saying anything? Don’t you wish you had the last 20 seconds of your life back and the brain cells devoted to reading this idiot blog used for more important things like your children’s birthday memories?

Anyway! What I can say is tomorrow is Groundhog Day and I’ve never seen the movie because I thought it looked annoying! But I did just see that Abducted In Plain Sight show on Netflicks and it was INSANE! Here’s the dad who gave gay relations to his DAUGHTER’S KIDNAPPER!

that’s just one tiny spoiler in a 90 minute program full of INSANE NONSENSE!!!! Enid, thank you so much for insisting I watch it. I love this photo so much and it’s the best part of 2019 so far.

Back to the cake real quick – everyone knows that the groundhog’s big shadow situation happens on Gobblers Knob in Punxsutawney, right??? You know who knows all about GOBBLERS KNOBBLERS???

That’s who!

That cake is a yellow cake from a dang box with sprinkles to make it a funfetti. And then little cookies. And also I used extra butter in my buttercream and it’s THE BEST BUTTERCREAM I’VE EVER MADE! What a showstopper!!!

Hope y’all are living your best lives!

BYE!

Yikes! 2018 is over!?

Y’all.

Here are some cookies.

And guess what – I sure did miss posting my now annual year-end wrap-up word search!!!! I dang forgot! But – for posterity’s sake – here’s that puzzle with 18 great things about 2018:

1. SEDGWICK. Jimmy and I got a house together on SEDGWICK Ct. in Columbus! Wow!

2. CAN OF BEANS. Living with ol boy has been wild. He kept an open can of beans in the fridge for a week and a half!

3. SCOOT SCOOT. not only did I fall in love with the rental scooters all over Columbus this summer, but our dog wrecko had a giant zit on his bunghole (just removed last week) and he scooted all over our house. His new name is Scootin Putin.

4. DONDERO. For a while we had a dog sitter named Lauren Dondero. Up where-o? Don-der-o!

5. KAYAK. the first time we used Lauren Dondero was over the summer when we did Pints & Paddles with Jugdish & Enid in traverse city.

6. DOLE WHIP. Jugdish & Enid & I met up with Clarence for Didneyworld in October and I had my first ever dole whip!

7. BENNE WAFERS. I also went to Charleston with Rita in April and had these benne wafers which were so good and then I figured out three months later that benne seeds are sesame seeds and I felt like an idiot.

8. BIG BONE LICK. I also went to Louisville with Cammy in December to celebrate his dang remission from stage 4 cancer! We went to big bone lick state park but the gift shop was closed and I was so angry.

9. MARKLE. hey. Remember her??

10. ASIA OHARA. I thought she should’ve won the rupaul show but man – that butterfly reveal was real sad. SAD!

11. VOGUING. Also from the rupaul show, remember when that dummy said she was really into voguing right now!!!??? Lol.

12. BREADDIE MERCURY. This was my most favorite bake of the year

13. KIM JOY. She was my fave on the Great British Bake-Off.

14. PINK. There’s a farmers market that we go to on Saturday’s in worthington and there’s a boy who sings Pink songs for all the people to hear. He’s so perfect and I love him.

15. HENRY CAVILL. Jesus – what a hunk. Barf.

16. DELANEY. He was Sugar Bear in the Deadpool 2 and honestly – double hunky.

17. BEEF COVEN. Both Cavill and Delaney are officially part of the Beef Coven.

18. MR ROGERS. That Mr. Rogers documentary was hands down the best movie of the year. Wasn’t it???? (It was.)

OK!!!! That’s it! Have a blessed day! 👋🏼👋🏼

Wow! Cheese & Peanut Butter Macarons! 😦

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Hey!

Bad news, team.   I’m approaching creative burn-out.  My brains feel sizzled and I’m running out of interesting thoughts.  The flu took me down for about two weeks at the end of December, and I think it drained out all imagination and excitement and focus and interest in much of anything.  (NOTE – I got the dang flu shot and it did NOTHING! DANG IT!!!!).

I had some baking time blocked over the weekend and all I came up with were these lame cheese & peanut butter macarons, which were a total rip off of some macarons I had once in Seattle.  NOT ORIGINAL!  I was thinking about a BBQ sauce / pulled pork macaron, but then my brains barfed and I flushed that idea down the brain toilet.  (If you think this is a good idea, please email me some reassuring thoughts.  Thanks).

Listen – these macarons were pretty medium.  I don’t know that I loved them.  BUT – the good news here is that they were baked perfectly with shiny tops and crinkled feet and no sticky bottoms.  The key is  4-8-5-2.5-30-20-300.  EASY!

That’s 4 oz almond flour, 8 oz powdered sugar, 5 oz egg whites, 2.5 oz gran sugar (then some pinches of salt, flavoring and food coloring) – mixed up to stiff peaks.  Then, after squirting blobs on parchy paper, letting these shits rest for 30 minutes and then baking for ~20 min at 300 degrees.  IT COULDN’T BE EASIER!

(Brain Idea – I’m going to create some 4-8-5-2.5-30-20-300 merch this week! Am I coming out of my burn-out???  Email me immediately if you’re already in love with this idea for this dumb merch!)

Anyway – Jimmy and I were with my friends Jugdish & Enid in Amish country last weekend and they said that I was really negative.  My friend Cameron agrees – they say that I always complain about movies and TV and travel and food and work and driving and MY LIFE.  I don’t see it that way – I just have very high standards.  Here’s a quick list of things that aren’t impressing me right now:

  • That Mrs. Maisel show on Amazon.  It’s so boring.  Who cares???
  • That movie Mary Queen of Scots.  GAH – even the gay king subplot wasn’t enough to make that bull-plop interesting.
  • Also – that movie The Favourite.  Unsatisfying!  Where’s my catharsis moment, team???
  • Dirty John on the Bravo network.  I medium enjoyed the podcast, but the show was really the worst.  The totally underused Laine from Gilmore Girls as that dope’s assistant.  She’s a national treasure!
  • Latrice Royale on Rupaul All Stars 4.  She had one really amazing lip sync on Season 4 and seems like a really likable person in real life, but she sure did stink up most of this all star season, and then she starts woo-wooing about how beloved she is and how dare anyone kick her off.  NO!  She stunk!  I have the dang receipts!
  • New Years Eves when I’m not in all the soft clothes just sipping on a wine and staying home and asleep by 1030 (maybe 11).  I’m frickin 42!  Going out is a younger person’s deal!  Leave me alone!
  • Robert Mueller!  Come on!  What is taking so long????  More indictments!!!!  Don Junior!  Don Senior!  Do a combo!  Hurry up!!!
  • Lady Gaga and The Star Is Born.  I’M NOT WATCHING THIS MOVIE.  I DON’T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR MUSIC ANYMORE!
  • My 600 Pound Life on TLC.  I’m exhausted watching these people.  Like maybe 10% are like good, hard-working people who want to get their shit together. The show should be “Get Rid of Your Dang Enablers” and it should just be me yelling at the enablers to get lost because they’re all crumbums.  CRUMBUMS!

Speaking of, since we went to visit Jimmy’s friends in Houston over New Year’s, I had the one dude take us to see Dr. Now’s office.  It was the highlight of the whole trip!

 Anyway. Feeling pretty terrible. Send so many thoughts & prayers.

BYE!

Royal Icing Practice!

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Y’all. Piping royal icing is fucking hard! Ugh – how will I ever CRUSH my friend’s 11 year-old daughter’s start-up cookie business??? This kid is getting cookie orders from all over the city and I’m just dicking around with this DUMB BLOG!

Today was a half step forward. I bought a case of ginger cookies from ikea for a half-kroner and piped these gorgeous beauties. Haven’t gotten to do much flood work yet, but I feel like this is an improvement over my holiday sweaters from two weeks ago.

Oh! I just tasted one of these cookies and it’s fucking delicious! IKEA!!!! You damned did it again!

Here’s a quicko catch-up on other things going on in my young life:

  • We just had layoffs and a re-org at Nationwide which made me feel very icky and out of control. Thankfully I survived, but it all makes me feel real crazy, so to regain order of my life – I’m conducting a re-org of my life! LIFE RE-ORG!!!! Everyone is going to have to reapply for their positions! I’m reassessing everything! Including my wardrobe and SIGNATURE SCENTS! Including whether or not I eat BABY CARROTS! I’m excited to take on this exercise and I’ll keep y’all updated!
  • One thing under consideration is if I should open up a barber shop in the basement of Nationwide and call it The Hair Down There. I just need to take a few barber classes… EASY!
  • It was my dad’s birthday on Saturday. He’s 72 dang years old now. YIKES!!!!! Happy birthday, you old g.d. biscuit
  • I need to lose some dang weight, y’all. Any fun tips on how to not stuff your face with garbage at all times????
  • And what about rupaul all-stars season 4? I very much hate Latrice Royale’s new teeth (very distracting). If I have to choose my top two, I’m going to say Manila Luzon and Valentina. OK?????????????

Did I mention that I’m feeling like this egg white cookbook is maybe a real good idea???? If anyone has any fun egg white ideas, e-mail them to me ASAP so I can steal your ideas and make them my own!

Alright! I think I’ll do one more bake before Christmas, but if I don’t – MERRY CHRISTMAS, TEAM!!!!

Holiday Sweater Ice Cream Sandwiches + Book Update!

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Y’all. Hello!  Real quick – these are just companion pieces to my jortbread-shortbread / tighty-whitey ice cream sandwiches from earlier this year.  Same basic-b cookie with coffee ice cream on the inside.  And, the chest hair is chocolate shavings and the nipples are pink Nerds.  (tee-hee!)

The only real new news here is this is my first official royal icing experiment.  Oh boy – it was not easy….  First off, there are 7 million ways to make royal icing – sometimes with lemon juice, sometimes with cream of tartar, sometimes with neither….  At the end of the day, the base is really just powdered sugar and egg whites and maybe some water to thin it out.  You just need to block off a lot of time and patience to dick around with it though.  I was doing my first ever icing experimentation last night after three wines and the Charlie Brown Christmas Special was on (so – pretty distracted).

Listen – aside from the Nerd Nipples™, the only other real reason for sharing this out is because I had an epiphany.

EGG WHITES! They’re like everywhere…..

And the origin story of egg whites has never been told.  UNTIL NOW.

I did some research and discovered that the first person to ever discover the magical properties of egg whites was a French chicken farmer named Al Bumen?  He was like “[French groans], mon Cherie amor, I’m sick of zees egg yellows.  I’m only going to use ze egg whites for all mon omelettes from au jourdhui on. [more French groans]”.  He started whipping them up and noticed how all the proteins in the whites foamed up and hugged all the whisked air and created so many exciting air pockets to triple the volume of the whites.  He freaked the fuck out!  He experimented with sugars and flavors and nut powders and temperatures and created so many mousses and meringues and macarons and marshmallows and PAVLOVAS.  Zut alors, y’all!

AL BUMEN!

Anyway – I’m thinking this could be my first ever dang cookbook – All About Egg Whites with Al Bumen!  There’s even a section all about PISCO SOURS!  Yay!!!!

What do you think, team?  Is this a winner or does it stink?  What’s y’all’s favorite egg white recipe????  How stiff are your peaks right now just thinking about it???

Ok – have a blessed day!

BYE!!!!

Snoreos

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Hey y’all!

So y’all don’t get your panties in a steamed-up wreck, I’ll tell you RIGHT NOW that there’s no real recipe for these Snoreos. They’re just the homemade Oreos from the Bravetart cookbook with Dayquils just plopped on top. For extra fanciness, I embossed a Volpi Vs on the tops. I suppose if you want to be double lazy, you can use store-bought Oreos, and if you really want to zonk out, you can use Zquils or Ambien or whatever sleeping pill you have laying around. I only had expired Dayquils and they do just fine in a pinch.

And this shouldn’t need to be said, but obviously consult your packaging for dosage…. Only 1 Snoreo for every like 24 hours. Sheesh!

Anyway, quick blog story about my sleep.

1. I think I’m mildly allergic to the beagles because I wake up with so many boogs in my nose that I can’t breathe….. so many nighttime boogs, y’all!

2. Speaking of the beags, they’re both real active throughout the night constantly getting under the covers and then over the covers and then pushing me away from them with their tiny pee-paws. Vito in particular is basically the Third Reich pushing into my Sudetenland. Besides the boogs, I’m also barely clinging on to the side of Eastern Europe over here….

3. And speaking of Nazis, I had this dream that I was in some kind of work camp last night and they were chopping hands off with piano wire! I had to scream into a burlap sack because i didn’t want to call attention to myself. Honestly, how is that something my brains came up with??? Very very unsettling!

4. Back to dogs, is everyone watching that Dogs show on Netflicks????? It’s so good!

Ok! Well a lot was said in this blog! I hope y’all are having a great weekend!!!! SNOREOS!