It’s now 3100 BCE. We’re looking at a mighty river – so very long, so very wide, so very WET! On a very fertile flood plain alongside this river, a young kingdom takes root. And hello hello? Right across the river from kingdom #1, a second kingdom pops up on the opposite bank. Two independent kingdoms separated by a vast, mighty river! Just wow!
In the kingdom of Right Side, there was a super poor woman and her butthole husband. One day, the woman was all “oh shit! Im having a baby!” And that baby was born! And oh shit – he had two damn noses! Oooooohweeeeeee – you should’ve seen the look on his dad’s face. He was like “aw hell no” and was about to choke this damn two-nose baby out, but his mom was like “don’t you fucking dare. I love this lil man and that’s that!”
But because the threat to his life was so great, the mom was like “ok – I’m gonna just spray this baby down with anti-crocodile mist, pop him in a floatable basket and shove the basket upstream in this massive river. Maybe before this baby starves or dies from heat exposure, some across-the-river royal will find him and like make him a prince???? Fingers crossed this works!”
Well it DID work. Within 20 minutes a damn queen finds said baby basket wash ashore on Left Side and was like “a two-nosed baby is surely a good omen! He’s my new son! And just to keep things real easy and obvious, his name is Noses!” Oh – and not only did she make him an immediate prince (like what????), but she also gave him the most incredible gift ever given to a baby – a giant talking bird named Frasier Crane.
And so that’s how Noses became Prince Noses of the Left Side. Left Side and Right Side were both equally agriculturally fruitful, what with the predictable flooding, but Left Side was real fixated on just one crop and one crop only. Fucking corn. And if you reread Chapter 4, you’ll remember a mysterious, abrasive and corn-obsessed goddess showed up out of nowhere only to fly off into oblivion just as suddenly as she showed up thereby protecting the already sweaty premise of this dumb book – which maintains a tight pantheon of just 13 deities.
Well she’s fucking back. For centuries, Corntina’s been hanging out in this one part of the world basically setting up a damn corn cult with these dumb-as-rocks humans. Where there weren’t fields of corn, there were massive stone monuments to corn – the famous Corn-on-the-Cobelisks of Left Side.
And so the people of Left Side had one of two jobs. Work the corn fields or build these giant Corn-on-the-Cobelisks. The royal family though – they just hung out. They spent a lot of time just goofing around, playing cornhole and looking for babies in the river. And at the top of the whole Left Side hierarchy was Corntina, who would fly around with her jet-pack and throw corn niblets at the people!
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The night before his 21st birthday, Noses had a dream. In this dream, 13 heavenly angels invited Noses to the top of the tallest Corn-on-the-Cobelisk, where Noses could see to the Right Side of the river. And on the banks of the Right Side, there was a billboard that said “COME VISIT!” And there was also a strange but exciting triangular building there – the kind of building that felt exciting but also strange.
Noses woke up, rolled over and was like “Frasier Crane! I need to tell you about this dream I just had!” If you’re wondering, they didn’t sleep in the same bed. They had the kind of bedroom set-up that a married couple in the 1950s had – side-by-side twin beds where two sleepers’ genitals would never touch.
Frasier (from the next bed over): “I’m listening, caller.”
Noses explained the dream – the angels and the river and the triangular building and a new / growing burning & yearning to go visit Right Side.
Frasier: “Oh! Well you’re 21 and a full-grown man. Happy Birthday – lol. What if we just find a boat and then go over to Right Side and check things out? Squawk!”
Noses: “Great idea!”
And so the next morning after a breakfast of Corn Flakes and corn milk, Noses and Frasier found a damn boat and crossed the river. And when they got to the other side, Noses was like “sniff sniff sniff. Frasier – what are all these smells?????” Remember – Noses had two noses and therefore was a very powerful smeller.
Frasier: “I don’t know! I only have one standard beak! Squawk squawk! But keep sniffing! Maybe your noses will lead us to the source of the aromas!?”
Just over an easily climbable ridge, Noses and Frasier came upon a bustling metropolis otherwise unseeable from the river. And the smells coming from the markets hit Noses and Frasier like a ton of delicious smelling bricks. Truly this appeared to be a land of milks and honeys. AND SO MUCH MORE. (Honestly – just milk and honey is like not enough. Like how the fuck did anyone think that a land of just milk and honey was worth the trouble???)
Noses: “Wow wow wow! What are all these things??? What’s this? And also what’s that?”
Frasier, reading a sign at the nearest cafe “Tossed salads & scrambled eggs! Quite stylish!”
The new-some two-some spent all morning walking the streets sampling all of the foods and living, laughing and loving! And before too long, Noses and Frasier came upon a massive fucking triangle building right in the center of town. And behold! It was covered in fun paintings!
As they approached, Noses is like “heyyyy! The angels from my dream are here in these paintings! And lol – there’s Corntina! And yo!!!!! Is that me – right there with the two noses???”
“Yes Noses. It is!” A new voice comes from a passageway deep within the building. And fuck me gently with a chainsaw – another talking bird walks out from the passageway shadows.
“Is that….?” starts Frasier.
“Yes, brother. It is I. Your brother Niles Crane!”
The two birds clumsily attempt an embrace. You see, bird wings go backwards and not really forwards making bird hugs kind of impossible. Regardless, Frasier and Niles Crane are very excited to see each other.
“Brother! I thought I’d lost you for forever!”
“Yes! I thought I’d lost you too! But here I am! I’m the Numero Uno priest in this here temple! I’m so beloved here on Right Side that they named the fucking river after me! The Niles Crane River!”
Noses: “Hey neat! And you say this is a temple?
Niles: “Oh yes! We call this the Food Pyramid! And it’s really just us Right-Siders celebrating our history and all of the fucking incredible food we have!”
“No kidding! Where I come from – it’s all corn! You’re really opening my damn eyes here, Niles! But like what am I doing here on this Food Pyramid?”
Niles: “I’ve got a real good news bad news situation for you, Noses. The bad news is Corntina has kept you Left Siders in the damn dark for ages. The dark ages, some might say. She may or may not be evil – that’s really a judgment call that I can’t make! But the good news is – you can free the Left Side from the tyranny of corn! You’re like the chosen one! Congrats!”
One more new voice comes from the shadows of the Food Pyramid’s inner sanctums! “Hey don’t forget the pamphlet!”
Niles “I don’t have the pamphlet. You were supposed to do the pamphlet, remember? Squawk!”
“Oh right. Hang on – let me check my purse. Ok here it is!”
And a bright glow starts to grow from the passageway – and out comes one of the angels from the pyramid wall.
“Oh hi! It’s me! Meg! My real name is Nutmegan, but then we shortened it to Nutmeg and then again to just Meg. NUTMEGAN? I mean honestly what an embarrassing name!”
“Anyway! Here’s this pamphlet. It’s the Ten Cornmandments. It’s not really all about corn, but the corn is a starting off point. Let me just take you through it real quick.”
THE TEN CORNMANDMENTS
1. Take it easy with the corn, OK? It’s pretty great, but just do it in moderation. Otherwise, you’re gonna get what we call Corn Body.
2. In fact, try to mix up all your foods. Don’t do just any one thing. I saw this guy eat nothing but carrots and he turned orange. Just keep all things in a relatively reasonable rotation.
3. Sweets. OK this is tough, because sweets are the best, but they’re also the worst – HEALTHWISE. Of all the things you eat, save sweets for like special occasions like birthdays, holidays and like after you get your colonoscopies.
4. The five-second rule is real. You can eat any food you drop in the toilet or in a pile of cobwebs if you pick it up within five seconds.
5. Never drink red wine with fish. Only white. And this is true of all fish-adjacent items: scallops, lobster, California rolls, fish sticks, hush puppies, goldfish crackers.
6. Gay fellas, if you’re going to meet up for a romantic rendezvous at the end of the night, but you’re also kind of hungry beforehand, chew on some ice chips or maybe a Jello. You can eat afterwards! Avoid hummuses and olive tapenades!
7. Thou shalt honor the cooks of your meals by offering to do the dishes afterwards.
8. Thou shalt honor the dinner party hosts by leaving after one cup of post-dinner coffee.
9. Thou shalt honor servers at restaurants by tipping generously – at least 20% – unless you live in a country where they pay servers a living wage, in which case it’s whatever the fuck you want to do. Just be nice to the servers!
10. Going back to the cooks, thou shalt honor cooks by always saying “mmmmmmm! This is fucking great!” to literally every fucking thing they serve you even if it’s too salty or criminally undercooked and potentially deadly. It’s OK to lie! Dishonesty is actually preferred here because the cook is desperate to impress and wants praise at all costs! Choke as many bites down that you can and if there’s food left of the plate, say “I had a big lunch! Can I take this home for tomorrow!?”
Meg: Take this pamphlet and share it out with the people of the Left Side! Bye!!!!!
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Hey – it’s me – Jacko! This is a really long story. I’m so sorry. I promise I’m gonna stick the landing! Just a little bit more to go….
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Niles Crane and Meg then packed up a little care package for Noses and Frasier with seeds, sourdough starter and a few take-and-bake pizzas. And – obviously the Ten Cornmandments pamphlet! And just as they started off, Niles gives Frazier a lightsaber, which Frazier hid in his feathers.
Noses: It’s not really a good-bye. It’s more of a smell you later! Tee hee?
Noses and Frasier made their way back over the Right Side ridge back to the river. And holy shit balls – guess what. There was Corntina and she fucking destroyed Noses’ rowboat. Wrowboat wreckage! Wreally!?
Wreally!
Steaming mad, Corntina is like “Noses! I don’t think so, DARLING! I spent too much damn time building Left Side to be a Corn-topia! It’s my life’s work! And I’m not going to let you ruin everything by introducing all your new ideas to my people. Get all the way fucked.”
And Noses was like “Corntina! You’d better stop acting a fool! I’ve seen the light! I’ve tasted apricots and French toast and clams casino! There’s more to life than just corn! Now – you better step aside!”
Corntina: “No! I won’t! In fact, I’m going to murder you and your bird!” She pulls out a little gun from underneath her cowboy hat.
But before she can even cock the gun, Frazier Crane slices Corntina down the middle with his secret lightsaber.
You guys – what could have been total corn carnage (cornage? Lol?) was instead the birth of a beautiful new creature. From inside the sliced corpse of Corntina emerged a shimmery winged horse with a golden candy corn on its forehead! Y’all – it’s the legendary CANDY-CORNICORN! And her name is Roz!
Roz the Candy-Cornicorn: “Noses! Frasier! Blessings to you both! You have set me free! I’ve been trapped inside the hateful exoskeleton that was Corntina and now I’m free! Free to be me! Please hop onto my back and I will fly thee to Left Side so you can continue your journey!”
Holy shit – wow! A fucking candy-cornicorn! In the flesh! And it can fly! Just wow!
Obviously the entire kingdom of Left Side came running to the Left Side royal palace since everyone saw Roz, Noses and Frasier just circling around for a good two hours before landing. They were all like “I gotta see this to believe it! What a beautiful creature!”
Long story short, Noses told the Left Siders of the abundance of food on the other side of the Niles River and the Food Pyramid and the Ten Cornmandments and Cortina and her little gun and then he made the take-and-bake pizzas and they had a little pizza party and – since this was a special occasion – Meg flew overhead and sprinkled sweet dessert treats over the Left Side kingdom. She called it Cinna-manna and it was really just Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. And there you have it! Noses really saved the fucking day!
I'm Writing A Cookbook!!! 