We’ve been having a lot of fun so far, RIGHT? Well get ready for a little taste of tragedy. This mournful tale is so sad, so bleak, so grim. The grimmest of grims, y’all! So – find yourself some tear-wipin’ tissues and tuck into the GRIM AND MOURNFUL TRAGEDY OF SNICKERUS AND HIS DUMB CARAMEL WINGS.
Once there lived a guy – early to mid twenties – named Snickerus. Snickerus was as handsome as the summer days are long! So handsome! Ooof! What a face / bod combo!
Everybody who laid eyes on Snickerus fell in love with him. And even our heroes weren’t exempt. They too couldn’t resist the beefy arms and manly charms of this absolute smoke-show.
One day, Abby – who we all know is literally a bee, but also the goddess of all sugars, honeys, syrups and alternative sweeteners – was flying past Snickerus’s backyard where he was lifting weights with his shirt off. She was like “hubba hubba!” And flew closer to get a better look. Dammit, y’all – it was L-U-V!
Abby did the math real quick and she was like “Ok – there’s no way this dude is gonna be in love with me. I’m a bee – it doesn’t add up!” So she decided to turn herself into a human woman for a little while to see if she couldn’t get her flirt on. And guess what – it worked!
From the other side of Snickerus’ backyard fence, Human Abby threw pine cones at Snickerus’ head until he noticed her. He was like “Hey little mama – are you new to this neighborhood?” Abby was like “tee hee! I sure am! Would you like to squire me to the local soda shop for some sweet-waters?” The flirting was working!
Well wouldn’t you know it, but the bridge on the street to the soda shop was closed for annual bridge maintenance / repairs. Panicking at the idea of Snickerus bailing out on their first date, Abby grabbed Snickerus and flew him across the river (the bridge was an over-the-river bridge in case that detail is important to you….). (I guess the more important detail here is that human Abby had bee-wings tucked inside her t-shirt, which she untucked so she could fly.)
Snickerus was like “damn girl, you can fly? Baller! I wish I could fly!” In fact, for the next 3 hours, that’s all he talked about – how “baller” it would be if he had wings and could fly. Abby knew that if she wanted to take her relationship to the next level, she’d have to get this dope some wings.
So the next day, human Abby returned to Snickerus’ backyard just as he was finishing his midday pump sesh. Oooohweeeee – he was looking so right! Anyway!!! She was like “yooo-hooo! Me again! And I brought you something!”
Snickerus: Awwwww shit! Wings!!!!!
These wings were made out of some chicken feathers glued together with caramel. Not wax…. Caramel!
Abby pops these wings onto Snickerus’ muscular body casually letting her fingers dance over his thick chest hair as she fastened the wing snaps across his pecs. She’s like “I also made these feathery short shorts for you to wear – also made with caramel – in case you’d like to put these on as well, just to complete the look???” Snickerus is like “sure thing, babe!”
All kitted up in his new flying outfit, Snickerus starts flapping his wings – and guess what – they work! He’s fucking flying!!!! BALLER!!!!!
Abby loves seeing her maybe-boyfriend so happy. But uh-oh-Spaghettio, she sees the caramel is maybe getting a little drippy. She yells to Snickerus “hey babe – maybe don’t fly so close to the damn sun, ok??? Stay like close to the land where like it’s cooler???”
Snickerus is all “I can’t hear you, babe! I’m listening to Smash Mouth on my AirPods! Hey now, you’re an all-star! Etc. etc.!” He’s swooping and looping all over the sky and his wings are getting drippier and drippier.
Abby tries her hardest to warn him that these wings are disintegrating, but Snickerus waves her away. “You’ll never know if you don’t go; you’ll never shine if you don’t glow” – whatever the hell that means.
And just as he gets to the final bit with the shape of the L on the forehead, the last caramel bits drip off and poor, beautiful Snickerus crashes through the roof of a nearby knife factory and dies on a pile of very sharp knives.
And – here’s a recipe for delicious caramels!
I'm Writing A Cookbook!!! 