As humans moved from hunting / gathering situations into more agricultural type of deals, the first villages were created. And each early village had its own specialty. For example, the early settlement called Fartsborough was built on bean farming. And naturally, Pistachia became the patroness of Fartsborough for she was the muse of nuts, legumes and beans. Queen of Beans, they called her in Fartsborough!
But – ALAS! This is the story of a different agri-community – the story of Creamtown, which was an ancient village built on a syndicate of verdant dairy pastures. Milks were flowing like water, DARLING. And you’d better believe the Creamtonians had a Lactosa mini-temple on every single dairy. Lactosa loved the attention and so she popped over to Creamtown pretty frequently to say hi and host milking competitions and so on / so forth.
OK – real quick – just want to tell you a little about the Creamtown farmer’s market. So – picture a farmer’s market where all 50 hippie freako market stalls sold nothing but milk. Every fucking week – milk, and nothing BUT milk. FLOP CITY!
One of the Creamtown farmer’s market vendors was a milk-maiden named Fontina Jones. Fontina was a real smarty-pants. She recognized that because there was no real point of differentiation, her market revenues were in the damn toilet. (Toilet? THIS IS FORESHADOWING!)
After one particularly slow market day, Fontina marched up to her farm’s mini-temple and was like “Lactosa??? Yooooo-hooooo! Are you there??? It’s me, Fontina! Helloooooooooo!?”
Lactosa, who just happened to be floating around Creamtown that afternoon checking things out, heard Fontina’s prayer and swooped down to Fontina’s mini-temple. “Oh my, what a winsome young maiden!” (LESBIAN!)
Fontina: “Most powerful and most beautiful Lactosa! You honor me with your presence! Wouldst thou help me innovate on something new that would help me increase my sales figures at the damn Creamtown farmer market?” (Winking and kissy-lips.)
Lactosa: “You enchant me and entice me! I find myself very aroused but also want to keep things verrrrrrrry casual, OK? So let me drop a few small hints on how to make the world’s first cheeses. Hint hint – try storing your cheese in a goat’s stomach and letting it heat up to the point that the hard part of the milk sort of congeals and separates from the liquid parts? Try not to think about this too much, but the enzymes from the stomach help with the congealation and so the stomach storage is actually a pretty important step in the process especially for these early primitive cheeses. Anyway – give that a shot and good luck!”
Fast forward to the next farmer’s market. Forty-nine of 50 vendors show up with damn milk, but #50 (Fontina Jones!) rolls in with Creamtown’s first ever block of cheese. The Creamtonians literally creamed their jeans! (actual cream – lol?) And that first cheese was called Fontina!
It didn’t take long before the Creamtonians all figured out how to make cheeses. Cheddars and manchegos and cotijas and chevres and Roqueforts and raclettes. Fontina was like “dang it! I should’ve applied for intellectual property protections! I’m back to square one!”
So Fontina gets dolled up and hikes back to her mini-temple. Decolletage is really popping, y’all! She’s all “Tee hee! Lactosa!? It’s meeeeeeeee Fontina Jones! Any fun thoughts on new product news to bring forward at the now cheese-heavy Creamtown farmer market?”
Yet again charmed by the fair maiden’s abundant beauty and heaving bosoms, Lactosa gifts Fontina with a butter churn and says “PYT, churn thine creams into butters!” She also dropped off some loaves of bread and a toaster so Fontina could experience butter in its most perfect form – buttered toast.
Of course, Fontina once again slayed the Creamtown farmer market with this latest divinely inspired creation. She was all “Butter here! Get your salted and unsalted butter! Not just cheese anymore, but also this new thing called butter! Put it on toast!”
But – ugh – here we go again… The Creamtownians all figured out the secrets of butter and it wasn’t long before the market was flooded – absolutely glutted – with artisanal butters.
Fontina back at her mini-temple, now in a crop-top and Dairy Dukes (LMFAO?): “Gorgeous and gracious Lactosa, with limitless generosity – if you could help me out just one more time, I would absolutely love it. Pleasepleaseplease?”
Flattered once again by the captivating allurements of the fair and buxom Fontina, Lactosa is all “pay attention, my dear, for what I will show you next is the absolute culmination of my dairy powers.”
Cut to – next farmer’s market and Fontina wheels in her market cart: “Attention Attention! Creamtonians – I give to you my most perfect creation!”
A crowd gathers and then hushes.
“ICE CREAM!!!!!!”
A tarp is lifted to reveal a freezer case full of sweet and creamies! Vanilla, choco choco chip, salted caramel, schnozzberry, rum ripples and ROCKY ROAD!
The word “frenzy” doesn’t even capture the rapture that unfolded that day. Just for a second, think about the last time you had ice cream – that moment you smashed the first spoonful into your drooly mouth. Now multiply those endorphins by 7 bajillion. The Creamtonians ripped their clothes off, someone put their boombox on full blast, a drag queen came out and did so many shablams up and down the farmers market streets. It was wild! The Creamtonians all started chanting Fontina’s name and like “you’re our new god! We love you so much Fontina – there’s absolutely no one in the universe that comes anywhere close to your absolute dairy prowess!”
Someone (maybe the drag queen?) handed Fontina a microphone and she was all “people of Creamtown! It’s true! I’m the inventress of all of these wonderful recipes – ME! And me alone! Fontina! Don’t even think twice about it – no one helped me! And also, I’d like to introduce you to my HUSBAND! His name is Richard!” And then a little man pops up out of nowhere and gives Fontina a little kiss on the cheek.
Lactosa was watching all of this unfold from her Creamery on Kitchen Island (she has like a magic spoon that she can look into and see what’s happening anywhere in the world??) and was getting angrier and angrier by Fontina’s refusal to share the credit.
You guys –
The skies darkened and an earthquake opens up down the middle of the farmers market. Everyone is able to scooch out of the way – except Richard who falls to a very painful death, impaled on a sharp rocky spike. And then in a flash of lightning, Lactosa appears in front of the Creamtonians in full Lactosa glory (20 feet tall and fucking gorgeous). She says “oh no you didn’t – you have dishonored me! LACTOSA! This little skank Fontina could never!” Lactosa uses her fried mozzarella wand to sizzle Fontina into a sentient Lean Cuisine Four-Cheese Pizza.
“And I punish the rest of you for your insolence! No longer will you be able to enjoy dairy without consequences! You may think that eating a pint of ice cream is life’s most wonderful joy, but within THREE HOURS – you will be hugging the closest toilet looking for intestinal relief!” And so the curse was set!
Here’s your recipe for fried mozzarella wands!
OK! Start by getting a giant block of mozzarella from the Piggly Wiggly. You’ll also need the following:
– Italian breadcrumbs
– An egg
– Long wooden skewers
OK – first start with room-temp cheese and cut it (the cheese, tee hee!) into a wand shape and a star shape. Poke your skewer through the cheese such that it’s holding up the cheese, but there’s enough left over on one end for you to actually hold onto. Then use a kitchen brush to brush a whisked egg all over your cheese so it’s nice and wet. Once you have a wet wand, roll it in some breadcrumbs for full coverage. I can’t stress enough here how important it is to have full breadcrumb coverage. This cheese needs 100% crumb coverage.
Now then – freeze your wand for like an hour, maybe two hours…. When you have a frozen cheese wand – sure you can deep fry it, but I bake mine. I popped mine in a pre-heated oven (like 400 degrees) for like 10 minutes so that it’s golden brown. The key here is high temp and a quick bake to minimize cheese-splosion. Let your wand cool for like 5-10 min before you start casting your magic spells all over your friends and family.
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