You guys! Remember Time, Stuff & Energy from the first fucking page of this dumb book? Well guess what – Limone wasn’t the only lil guy they created. Empty Nest feelings came on strong after Limone left for Earth, so Energy went up to his workshop and – after some tinkering – came back to the others. He was like “remember when I made all that joy??? Well – my new idea is kind of the opposite! It’s called chaos???” Time and Stuff were like “ehhhhhh…..”
And just like before, the chaos started wiggling and jiggling and then – BLAMMO! Cramson was born. Right from the get, Cramson was burping in his dads’ faces and saying “take a whiff!” Really unpleasant, ok???
Time, Stuff and Energy agreed that they couldn’t possibly let Cramson out into the universe, so they made a tin can, stuffed Cramson inside it and sealed it up. And after a few million years, they kind of forgot about the can. Whoopsie daisy, y’all! What they didn’t realize is that the Cramson can eventually landed on Earth. And!!! Inside the can, Cramson cloned himself into a million smaller Cramsons that he called his army of crum-bums.
Per the last chapter (Chapter 5 if you’re nasty), Earth had humans now and the humans had learned all about fire and potatoes and they were trying their hardest to figure things out. But let’s get real – the first humans were not all that smart. Lots of trial – and LOTS OF ERROR, you know? Honestly – how did we make it even one full year?
OK – so one day there was a human idiot named Pam-Dora and sees the Cramson can on the side of the road. The label on the can clearly says “don’t you dare fucking open this can”, but Pam-Dora is box-of-rocks stupid. She’s like “no one tells Pam-Dora what to do!” and opens the can (she uses her teeth).
And – you probably saw this from a mile away – Cramson and his crum-bum army fly out. Pam-Dora is like “Aw no! Why me???” What an absolute maroon.
The crum-bums swarm the Earth like a swarm of the nastiest little cicada fuckfaces that have ever surfaced! They’re getting in people’s hair and they play their dumb music late at night when you’re trying to get some sleep. Rude little shits! But the thing they love to do the most is screw around with people’s cooking / baking. In fact, there are four of Cramson’s top crum-bums and they’re the fucking worst: Distraction, Forgetfulness, Despair and Dog-Fart. There’s nothing these guys love more than to see someone get ready to make a very elaborate dessert and then MESS IT UP! Oh they laugh and laugh and laugh!
When Limone figured out what was happening, she got her team together and said “Ladies! (And Gene!). This is war!” And so the Baker’s Dozen took up arms! Here’s everyone’s weapon of choice & war-time catch-phrase:
And so began the Great War. Our heroes made a fucking meal of these crum-bums! Carnage everywhere! So many crum-bums were brutally murdered (and rightfully so!) and those that survived retreated like cowards into a cloud! (The word “crumb” comes from the grisly battlefield remains of the crum-bum army after the Bakers’ Dozen triumphant ass-whooping! Don’t bother fact-checking this!)
Bad News: Cramson and his four powerful generals all survived. Even Dog-Fart. UGH!
Also Bad News: Clouds are pretty easy to escape from – not really “maximum security” facilities…
Good News: Clouds do weaken crum-bum power significantly so even if there is a crum-bum cloud-break, a gifted chef can usually dispatch them without too much trouble.
Here’s the thing though, team. Even the best of us succumb to a crum-bum conundrum. It happens to the BEST OF US! If you find yourself defeated by Cramson or one of his crum-bums, take a moment and reflect on this piece of SAGE advice (sage!!! Ha!):
Failure is a doorway! Walk through, bitch!
Anyway – this is a placeholder for the Ginger Crum-bum recipe, perfect for holiday get-togethers!
I'm Writing A Cookbook!!! 