Scene 1: It’s a bright and sunny Tuesday morning in late late late May (right before Memorial, dang it!). Jack’s bakery is closed today and he’s having a sleep-in. Birds chirp and Jack wakes up.
Oh boy…. There’s a man in the bed….
Jack realizes that this is the man from last night. He sure is dreamy, but Jack doesn’t want to complicate his life. In fact, he wants to enjoy his day off by getting an early season nude-beach nard-tan with his boys before the summer gets too hairy.
Good thing he’s one of the most powerful beef-witches in Provincetown. I suppose he could cast a tanning spell on his nards, but that zaps his power…. Instead, he uses his power to turn the chair in the corner into a dog, who starts barking at the sleeping hunk. Homeboy wakes up just in time to see the dog carry his clothes to the open window and throw them out onto the sidewalk.
Jack: Cramson! That’s my dog’s name! He has thrown your clothes out the dang window! You’d better go get them!
Nameless Hunk: Nuts and bolts! I’m real naked still!
Jack: You’d better run fast before the street sweeper sweeps up your shit, bro! BYE!
The hunk runs out of the room but you get a quick glimpse of his toned cheeks. YAY!
The dog turns back into a chair and Jack falls back to sleep.
From Jack’s window, you can see the street sweeper sweep away the hunk’s clothes before he has a chance to rescue them from the street.
OPENING CREDITS – BEEF COVEN!
Scene 2: It’s now later that morning. Jack walks into the apartment’s kitchen where he sees his handsome roommate Tomas sipping on a coffee and reading the newspaper. In this scene, Tomas teases Jack about the naked hunk and Jack makes a plan to meet Tomas, Raja and Charlie at the nude beach later. He just needs to run into town to get a few things from the market first. The camera goes in real close on the newspaper as Tomas cleans up and there’s an article about the big Provincetown Lesbian Invasion for Memorial Day weekend. So many lesbians are coming to P-Town! (A graphic pops up that says “Uh-oh! Lesbians!”)
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Scene 3: It’s now real late morning. Maybe 11:35am. Jack is walking out of a cute little market and steps into the street, which has a lot of people all walking around. A lot of women holding hands with women…. But also some men. Some very handsome men….
Jack gets distracted by a dog on the street and this is when Jack LITERALLY bumps right into Jimmy, a handsome older man who is walking down the sidewalk with some luggage. It’s pretty clear that Jimmy isn’t from around here…..
Jack: Oh boy! I’m sorry! Wow – I sure bumped into you!
Jimmy: No – it’s me that is sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. I was looking at a dog on the other side of the street.
Jack: That’s funny. I was also looking at a dog.
Jimmy: It is real funny. And, guess what – you’re attractive!
Jack: Oh yes, you think so? (Jack knows he’s attractive. It’s obvious)
Jimmy: Yes – I’m much older than you and have seen lots of attractive people in my many years. You’re right up at the top of the list! I’m Jimmy! I’m not from around here.
Jack: My name is Jack. Nice to meat you. I mean – MEET you. (a graphic pops up that explains the joke.)
Jimmy: Haha – what a fun joke! Hey – what’s with all the lesbians?
Jack: Oh – it’s Lesbian Weekend here.
Jimmy: Gotcha. Well, I’m here for a summer-long residency at the hospital. Maybe I’ll see you around. And maybe I’ll see you naked in my bed a few times.
Jack: Ugh – get lost. You’re a creep.
Jimmy: Aw jeez. I’m sorry! I just really think you’re a stunner of a man.
Jim takes off his sunglasses and his eyes make like a sizzle sound and shoot laser beams at Jack’s eyes.
Jack: Nice try, buster. I’m in the beef coven here and your spells won’t work on me.
Jimmy: Aw nuts and bolts. Strike two, right? Well, anyway – nice meeting you and good bye.
Jimmy walks away, but Jack seems real charmed. What’s happening??? Is this love???
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Scene 4: The Nude Beach! Wow wow wow! Listen up, there are loads of dudes with suits on and the occasional buns on display, but this is TV so there’s like umbrellas and things in front of our main characters’ no-no squares. You just get the hints of a steamy nude beach situation.
Anyway – Jack, Tomas, Raja and Charlie are all “hanging” out on the beach having fun. Raja is telling the group about a funny story (add funny story details here) and the others have a big laugh.
Uh-oh. Jack looks up from his beach towel and guess who…. It’s Jimmy walking by with a floating hat-wearing idiot. The idiot drops his cellphone right in front of Jack’s towel and Jimmy bends down to pick it up.
Jack: Getting a good look, bro?
Jimmy: Oh my god – it’s you! What are you doing here?
Jack: What does it look like I’m doing? (Jack points to his tanned-up nards)
Jimmy: Well, yikes! I’m here with my new hospital coworker ORKO! He’s here from Eternia.
Orko: Hi!
Jack: Hi Orko. (To Jimmy) Now listen – I’ve just about had it.
Just then, a seagull walks away with Jack’s wallet.
Jimmy: A bird just stole your wallet. Here… Let me…
Jimmy turns himself into a seagull and the two seagulls have a quick tussle. Jimmy gets the wallet back and hands it over to Jack and then turns back into a man.
Jack: Oh my. You’re more powerful than I thought. Hello hello.
Jimmy: Yes. I’m from Ohio, where there are a lot of powerful beef-witches.
Jack: Yes yes – Ohio. OK.
Orko: Yes! Cleveland! And I’m from Eternia!
Jimmy: Hey, Orko. How about finding us some beach space over by those lesbians?
Orko: Yes!
Orko leaves.
Jimmy: Hey, I wanted to apologize for earlier.
Jack: Well, it’s ok. Provincetown is small, so I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around. Maybe we can meet up for a coffee sometime.
Jimmy: Yes. I’d like that. I’ve just magically put my phone number in your contacts. Tee hee. Bye, fellas.
Jimmy flexes and waves to the others and the others wave back. Everyone’s umbrellas readjust themselves in a humorous fashion.
In the distance, Orko is getting splashed in the face by a lesbians’ children.
And then, the camera swings back over and Tomas has a weird look on his face. Something is wrong….
Raja: Hey Tomas. What’s up?
Tomas: Those lesbians are from Framingham. I hate those lesbians.
Raja: Oh no. That’s so terrible! I hope we learn more about your story with those lesbians later this weekend!
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Scene 5: Jack and Tomas’s apartment kitchen in the evening times. Jack is sitting alone, staring at his phone. There’s some music playing. Jack is very handsome, even moreso when he’s deep in thought. Something is on his mind. What is it??? Could it be Jimmy, the handsome stranger from Ohio? (quick montage of Jimmy from the street, on the beach, as a seagull….) He looks at the screen and starts to compose a text message about meeting for a coffee. Then, he erases the message. He takes a deep sip of rosé. He then opens another text and sends a quick note and puts his phone down and walks into the bedroom. (quick montage of the dog from the bedroom, the dog from the street, Scooby Doo…) The camera points to the phone to show the message:
Hey Tomas – I hope you like dogs.
Jack walks back out with the dog from this morning – Cramson. You see, Jack just really wanted a dog! Haha!
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Scene 7: The Bakery.
Jack to Camera: Hey everyone! Wasn’t that a great episode? Remember when I bought those groceries earlier today? It’s because I’m going to make some Memorial Day Les-Lemon Bars. Lesbians love lemon bars and it’s Lesbian Weekend here in Provincetown. So, here’s my quickie recipe for lemon bars! (Add lemon bar baking segment here).
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END OF EPISODE 1!!!!
I'm Writing A Cookbook!!! 