I'm Writing A Cookbook!!!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hey y’all!

So y’all don’t get your panties in a steamed-up wreck, I’ll tell you RIGHT NOW that there’s no real recipe for these Snoreos. They’re just the homemade Oreos from the Bravetart cookbook with Dayquils just plopped on top. For extra fanciness, I embossed a Volpi Vs on the tops. I suppose if you want to be double lazy, you can use store-bought Oreos, and if you really want to zonk out, you can use Zquils or Ambien or whatever sleeping pill you have laying around. I only had expired Dayquils and they do just fine in a pinch.

And this shouldn’t need to be said, but obviously consult your packaging for dosage…. Only 1 Snoreo for every like 24 hours. Sheesh!

Anyway, quick blog story about my sleep.

1. I think I’m mildly allergic to the beagles because I wake up with so many boogs in my nose that I can’t breathe….. so many nighttime boogs, y’all!

2. Speaking of the beags, they’re both real active throughout the night constantly getting under the covers and then over the covers and then pushing me away from them with their tiny pee-paws. Vito in particular is basically the Third Reich pushing into my Sudetenland. Besides the boogs, I’m also barely clinging on to the side of Eastern Europe over here….

3. And speaking of Nazis, I had this dream that I was in some kind of work camp last night and they were chopping hands off with piano wire! I had to scream into a burlap sack because i didn’t want to call attention to myself. Honestly, how is that something my brains came up with??? Very very unsettling!

4. Back to dogs, is everyone watching that Dogs show on Netflicks????? It’s so good!

Ok! Well a lot was said in this blog! I hope y’all are having a great weekend!!!! SNOREOS!

Y’all!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hey – who here likes to listen to NPR while you cry in the bathtub? 🙋🏼‍♂️

Well, if you’re as much of an Ari Shapir-ho like me, you probs know all about the annual cranberry relish reporting. Susan Stanberg is the NPR arts & crafts expert and legend has it that one thanksgiving, Lady Stanberg brings in her mother-in-law’s (mother’s-in-law???? Help???) cranberry relish. This relish makes serious waves at the NPR potluck. Steve Innskeep is like “KEEP that relish away from me”. Yuki Noguchi is like “This relish is a big fat NO SCOOCHIE!” Ofeibea Quist-Arcton is like “this relish makes me want to barf! DAKARRRRRRRRRRR!”

You see – this cranberry relish is cranberries, onion, sugar, sour cream and horseradish all just jazzed up in a food processor and served with crackers. That’s right, team. See the recipe RIGHT HERE!

Well, I’ve been listening to Susie-Q Stambo’s relish reporting for years now and I just had to know – what does this shit taste like? Well, the results are in – it’s fucking awful. I wish I was exaggerating, but I AM NOT.

I recognize that my tastebuds may not be the most refined, so I’m going to take it to my sister’s house on Thursday and force all of my relatives to taste it and rank it on a scale from garbage to not-garbage! I’ll report back AFTERWARDS!

The little fuckers didn’t have the underside Madeline humps, so they’re garbage. But these are gingerbready because HOLIDAYS! The whole dang kitchen smelled like the month of November just exploded. LOVELY! Fuck you, rest of the year!

Anyway – no recipe for these cuz no hump. I gotta keep pressing on!

Also! Last night, I started rewatching Julie & Julia. Obviously, the Julia bits are the best bits. But – I started to pay attention to the Julie bits. JULIE POWELL – if this movie is an accurate depiction of you – you’re a fucking asshole. This dick has tantrums for having shitty aspics and woo-woos over the dumbest bullplops. She’s such a drip to her awesome huz. But then she gets this massive following? For what??? I read her blog. She quotes Family Guy. Fuck off, Julie.

Maybe I’m just sour grapes, y’all! Probably!

Honestly, this movie had me verrrrrry against Amy Adams for a very long time and it wasn’t until the Muppet Movie that I came back around. Specifically, this….

 

Solo Mardi Gras! Me Party!

One more question, y’all. Should I sign up for one of those shitty Food Network baking competition shows??? I very much hate the dumb twists and how the people all have to talk to each other in the middle of their bakes. “Mary Deborah, what kind of cake using three kinds of olives are you making? And what’s your most painful high school memory?” But – maybe this is my superhighway to fame and fortune. And a book deal! And maybe flirting with Jesse Palmer…..

PLEASE ADVISE!

Ok. Thanks! Bye!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hey y’all!

Well team, I’m having a lay-down on the bed right now and my handsome dog Vito is sniffing my belly button.

That’s where I’m at with this weekend.

Hey, here’s a quick list of other stuff happening right now.

1. What a blue dry-hump that election was. Thank god for those House seats, right? I was just hoping that Beto won and my dang Ohio dems made some money moves. WHERE ARE MY MONEY MOVES???

2. Speaking of god, what about that God Is A Woman song???? It’s on heavy rotation now on the dang radio and I medium love it. I thought this Ariana Grande was more of a Talenta Pequeña, but I WAS DEAD WRONG!

3. My friend Emily says that I’ve been raking leaves all wrong. You’re supposed to mow them, not rake them. EMILY – there’s just too many leaves on the ground to mow! RAKING IS ONLY WAY OUT.

4. I just finished the last Dan Brown davinci code-type book. It’s called Origin, and boy is it a stinker. Spoiler: a computer hired the hit man to kill all the people. It’s the computer! Computers are getting too smart for us and now they’re murdering us. I suppose we deserve it….

5. When I retire, I’m getting a job at Target.

6. Hair update: my barber Chad is gone. That’s why I went to that new barber a few weeks ago and got that awful haircut that I hated. Well – I went to a new guy on Thursday and boy was he a crusty old bitch. I think it was just late and he wanted to go home and take his socks off, but he was real salty. The haircut was so good though so I already made a follow up appt with him. I feel like im close to being an official adult now because I may have found a legit regular barber who I can trust. ALL GROWN UP!!!!

7. ok. I’ve been thinking a lot about rice krispie treats. Obviously you can sub in other cereals and that can be delicious. – or you can add shit to your RKTs. It got me thinking that maybe you could make RKTs out of PRETZELS!

🤯

And then you could squirt HONEY MUSTARD into the marshmallows when you melt them down into marshmallow glue.

🤯🤯🤯

That way, you’re eating pretzels and mustard but now also have diabetes!

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Ugh – I don’t know if any of this shit is helping or not. I had a dream about snakes last night, so I’VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS!

Bye!

Y’all! Look who it is! BREADDIE MERCURY!

Basically the same, right???

Rita, jimmy and I went to see the Bohemian Rhapsody on Friday night and it was pretty good! So many mustaches!

But my second favorite all-time song is You’re My Best Friend and they didn’t play it in its entirety, which really beefed me off. (My first all time favorite song is Hey Fuck You, by the Beastie Boys! Oh word???)

So I made this bread as a real tribute! Here’s my full list of Queen/bread puns:

• Can anybody find me somebody to loaf?
• Another one bites the crust!
• Doughemian Rhapsody
• We will / we will Focacc-ya!
• Grilled Cheese-elzebub has a devil put a side for me!
• Crazy Little Thing Called Pumpernickel

Notes on the bread:

1. I used the only bread recipe that I know of which is the Molly Yeh challah recipe, which is delicious

2. I knew that there was a possibility for it to split but I thought maybe it wouldn’t. I DIDNT KNOW!

3. Here’s what it looked like before the oven.

Pretty terrible, right???

Oh well! Try new things, amirite????

Also Rita and I are in Akron right now for a Rita Volpi Field Trip. She had her first field trip article published this week, y’all! RITA FIELD TRIP LINK HERE!

So here’s a picture from Akron!

Hi Rita!!!! ☺️☺️☺️

THAT’S ALL! BYE!!!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi

It’s Sunday night and jimmy is right over there👈🏼 and watching this show called Durrells in Corfu. It’s really lame. But it’s a medium nice way to wrap up a busy Washington DC weekend.

The real point of coming to dc was to run the marine corps 10k which we did this morning. I ran the ENTIRE WAY but was so slow and that’s PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE! I can’t figure out how to get the results so let’s just say that I came in 3rd!

So I figured out that there’s a MILKBAR in dc that does cake baking classes so I signed up and boy oh boy was it real disappointing.

1. There was no Christina Tosi there which I guess is understandable but still I sure wish she was there maybe in hologram form at least

2. It was really a cake assembly class – the cakes were already baked when we got there. AND – they didn’t even give us like a recipe card. No worries. The recipe is online. LINK! I just wish they would’ve handed something out or at least said something during the class….

3. The assembly really only takes about 10 minutes but they stretched it out to an hour. I was so bored! For the second hour they showed us how to make birthday cake truffles which are so easy…. and again only take about 20 minutes. I was like “hey y’all. My dang time is precious and y’all are wasting it with foolishness and nonsense!”

4. Maybe intentionally, but they gave us a beefy break in the middle and encouraged us to go to the MILKBAR cafe for a coffee and a snack. I got a birthday cake latte and it was delicious but I already paid like $95 for this class – maybe throw the coffee in for free??? Sheesh!!! OR A MIMOSA?????

5. The truffles were a group activity and fuck – I hate working in groups with people I don’t know. I DONT WANT TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE. Stop forcing me to interact with new people!!!!!

6. The cake and the truffles were delicious.

so. The only other real development from the weekend is that I came up with another show idea. It’s a fun TGIF style sitcom about two freshmen congress representatives that have to live together because the rents in dc are so expensive. BUT she’s a hard nosed hawkish republican and he’s a bleeding heart lib and they have bunk beds for some reason. Her best friend is a lobbyist named DEB and his brother is a janitor or some shit. They also have a talking dog named CRAMSON. They deal with a Russian hacker and join committees and meet constituents and maybe fall in love???? It’s called Bipartisan Bunkbeds and it’s a midseason replacement for Family Guy, which sucks.

Here’s more pictures from the trip!

I hope y’all likes my blog post! BYE!!!!!

Y’all! Hello!

I made some meringues today!

They’re like peanut butter choco meringues and I used this here recipe from @zoebakes and @displacedhousewife. TWO THINGS:

1. The recipe wants you to have a Pb glaze that’s drizzle-able. Well, champ, you’re gonna need more than just 1-2 tbsp of whipping cream to get a drizzle-able glaze. More like 6 or 7, y’all!!!! I mean – REALLY!

2. I had the v clever idea to just swirl the pb but write little “hi”s on my pre-baked meringues (see below) with the chocolate. But guess what? Your meringues will flatten and expand in the oven and most of what you thought was cute going in will turn into a disaster coming out. Maybe slam your tray before piping your “hi”s on to give them a quick flatten pre-bake…. that might work…. or just swirl the choco with the pb like Zoe says in her recipe and just ignore my foolishness.

(This is pre-bake and they didn’t stay this cute…. SORRY!)

Ok! Hi!

So, I’ve been seeing a therapist and he says I’m getting handsomer and more confident since we first started. Wow wow wow! Check me out, world!

Honestly, I was feeling medium handsomer too but today I went to a new barber and he gave me a shit haircut. So, now I’m back into a haircut-induced self-esteem shit spiral!

And also! Another important thing that’s on my mind! I just voted for the mid-term elections and guess what – it was a STRAIGHT DEMOCRATIC TICKET!

I have a very important message for GAYS. Hey you GAYS! Go vote! And vote BLUE, DUMMIES. I know there are some of you gays who think it’s cool to vote for republicans. YOU’RE DEAD WRONG! These people don’t think you’re equal to them and they never will. If you ever want to get married and have the same rights as all these straight mothafuckas, you absolutely cannot vote for these republican turds. Oh – and that’s literally just the very least of the issues at stake. Healthcare and women’s rights and the fucking environment and immigration…. get your heads out your butts, you republican gays!!!! Sheesh!

Wow! I feel so much better, even with my shitty haircut. I’m going to have TWO ROSÉS AND MAYBE CARVE A PUMPKIN!

BYE!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

I’m on my flight back to Ohio after three days in Orlando with my homies Clarence, Jugdish & Enid. Three days – four Disney parks: Magic Kingdom, Epcort, Hollyweird Studios and Animal Things. I don’t think I’m a Disney nerd, but I graduated to a new level of weirdo this trip. I started swapping pins with some of the Disney workers on this trip, which is unsettling. (I now have three pins! See below for pins!)

Before the trip, I researched best Disney snacks and thought I’d see for myself how these shits stack up.

Dole Whips are like pineapple soft serve as far as I can tell. They’re pretty rare, which I think is why people go ape-shit for them. And honestly, they’re  real real good especially on hot-as-balls days, but they’re really incredibly sweet. I had to dump mine out after a hot minute because it hurt my tum-tum.  More like Dump Whip, right?  (NOTE – think of cleverer burn later….)

The list also made a very big, dumb deal over the macaron ice cream sandwiches in the France pavilion at Epcort. They had two flavors and I got the pumpkin…. Real nothing special. Pass on this shit, team.

Yesterday, we were having afternoon bevs at the hotel bar and it started to rain. Our Buenos Aires bartenders called us all Mi Amor, blew us kisses and gave us free Doritos.  I tell you what, team – nothing beats free shit after spending a fortune at these parks.

Ugh. This was such a waste. Looks cute, but is like gnawing on cardboard. Try harder, Disney!

Now this was pretty great. I’m not sure how this works but there’s cream cheese just hanging out in this pretzel. I got this at Epcort, but pretty sure you can get this anywheres…. real real real good!

Now y’all know I have a love/hate with Beauty & The Beast, right? Mostly because of the lack of chest hair in the live action, but also how Belle is a trash townie who is all “no provincial life for me” at the beginning and yet settles for princess life instead of like being a doctor in Paris or whatever. Get your shit together, Belle!

Anyway – if you recall from Be Our Guest, the talking candlestick is like “try the gray stuff! It’s delicious! Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes!” REMEMBER??? Well if you go to the Beast castle for dinner, you can have a sort of fancy pants meal, which ends with a dessert trio – FEATURING GRAY STUFF!!!! It’s like a white choco mousse in an edible white choco Chip teacup. The cup was kind of the best part…. so clever…..

That’s all I could choke down in the three days we were there. I’m so fat now. It’s gross. But here’s those pins.

This is the best pin I could get from trading. It’s a Camilla! Pretty great!!

My all-time favorite movie is Robin Hood and this was the only RH merch I could find in all the parks. BONUS – the kid who sold it to me was from NOTTINGHAM and he knows the sheriff, who’s a LADY! The story checks out!!!!

(also – what it that weird skin thing hanging off of my old-man thumb????  My body is a blunderland!  Right???  Lol….)

Lastly – I just felt obligated to get this one….

Please notice – NO CHEST HAIR!!!! What the shit????? Conspiracy!!!!

NEVER FORGET!!!

Hey team!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hey – does the world need another chocolate chip cookie recipe???  Who the fuck knows? Probably not, am I right???  I mean – Sarah Keiffer exists.  Thalia Ho exists.  Per my last blog post – The Fox In The Snow exists (three locations!).  If you medium hate yourself, you can even look at the tollhouse recipe on the back of the chocolate chip bag.  (those cookies are repellant.)

But – if I’m going to write a dadgum cookbook with a bunch of dang cookie recipes, I’d sure as shit better figure something out.  I’m no idiot!!!!

Before we get to the recipe, here’s a LIFE UPDATE!

1. It’s fucking fall!  We’re still a few weeks away from leaf-color change-o.  But it’s considerably cooler out and my sweat glands are like “thank fucking god – we’re exhausted.”
2. The best show on tv right now is AMERICAN VANDAL.  It’s such a good show – so funny.  So smart.  I just love it so much!  GET INTO IT!
3. I’m ready for the MIDTERM ELECTIONS!  I’m ready to vote in a fuckload of Democrats and guess what – I want all the impeachments.  So many impeachments.  Times Up!  RIGHT????
4. RIGHT!
5. My idiot friend Cameron, who has been doing all the chemo for Hodgkins lymphoma, is in REMISSION!
6. Shit, team – I’m getting my dang running groove back, y’all!  We’re running a 10K in DC at the end of October and I’m getting excited!!!! 🎸🎸🎸
7. My hair has been looking better lately.  I’ve been seeing a new hair guy named Chad and he’s a dang miracle worker.  The last time I was there, the other barber was talking about charleyhorses – Chad leans down during my haircut and whispers “this might be an overshare, but I only get charleyhorses during sex.”  CHAD!  YOU NASTYYYYYYY!  (Never change.)
8. Ehhhh – that’s about all I have happening in my life right now!

Alright – let’s get to the recipe that literally everyone is talking about….  The secret ingredient here is Bailey’s Irish Cream.  Are your brains still in tact?  I tell you what, y’all – it’s just a real gamechanger.  MONEY MOVES!

2 stick soft as shit butter

3/4 cups sugar

1 cup brown sugar

2 eggs

1/2 tsp espresso powder

1/4 cup Bailey’s Irish Cream

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

2-1/2 cups flour

~12 oz dark choco chunks

Ok. Here’s the skinny. All you need to do here is mix all this shit together EXCEPT THE CHOCO CHUNKS. Just hang on to those for a hot minute. Get your dough together and chill for about a half hour. Or don’t – it’s up to you. The dough is easier to work with after a chill, but if you want to get right to eating cookies – just do whatever the fuck you think is right.

Use a dang ice cream scooper to blop out blops onto a cookie tray. Ok. Now take some choco chunks and put them on your dough blops. This gives you visible choco situations on the tops of your finished cookies.

Bake at 350 for 7 min.  Bang the tray a few times to flatten cookies.  If you feel like you might need more choco chunks, now’s your time to snizzle them on top!

Continue to bake for another 5 minutes and then cool those shits on a wire rack.  I tell you what, y’all – these shits are soft and chewy and flavors on flavors on flavors.  So many Hollywood Handshakes.  Let me know if any of you chickenheads make these shits.  I’D LOVE TO SEE THAT!  THANKS!!!!  BYE!!!!

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

It’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Week here in the tent and I’m still mucking around with my SIGNATURE BAKE.  I think I’ve locked in on my SPECIAL INGREDIENT, but I still need to work on the actual bake and the full recipe.  The first few batches were just ok, but not so good that they’re worth sharing….  SORRY!

But – I had this idea to do a tasting tour of the Short North neighborhood of Columbus while it was still medium warm out.  NOTE – Columbus just got rental scooters and I scooted around the Short North at lunchtime.  Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Here’s my ranking of Short North, Columbus Chocolate Chip Cookies That You Can Find By Rental Scooter!

6. Piece Of Cake Bakery (772 N. High St.).  $1.75.  These were bland little shits.  Real hard and not worth eating the whole thing.  Just right into the garbage….  NOTE – I feel like this is mostly a cake bakery – the people behind the counter were all carrying around cakes and on the phone with cake orders.  So, cookies are not the specialty.  So – I get it.  I sure hope those cakes are great!

5.  Pistacia Vera (North Market, 59 Spruce St.). $2.25.  Now, these guys were medium fancy – they had pistachios in them and I’m pretty sure dark chocolate.  They were soft and maybe underbaked, but really nothing to write grandma about.  Listen – these guys are known for their French bakes, like their macarons and canales, so again – I think these were maybe an afterthought…..  Just not a real wow from me, OK???

4. Northstar Cafe (951 N. High St.). $3.00.  Whoever baked these cookies was like “I LOVE SALT ON MY COOKIES AND I LIVE ON THE CORNER OF DEAL STREET AND WITH IT AVENUE (so deal with it!)!”  What could’ve been a tip-top cookie was just oversalted and I’m sorry – it was just too much for me, y’all!

3. Little Eater (North Market, 59 Spruce St.). $1.75.  The little sign next to these cookies says “the best chocolate chip cookie” and I think they’re like soooo close….  These cookies are def B+ cookies, just too greasy.  They taste great, but you are absolutely looking at stomach issues after one of these.

2. Laughlin’s Bakery (15 E. 2nd Ave.). $4.00!!!!  Another massive cookie here.  Way too big for a normal person!  But, come on – these are ridiculously good.  They’re soft and – guess what – I think they put some cinnamon in there for EXTRA FLAVOR!  I got notes of dang cinnamon, y’all!!!!  NOTE – the owner is v good-looking and I just think he should be at the counter all the time…..  Usually it’s some other somebody.  Here’s the owner….

Hubba Hubba!  Wow wow wow wow wow!

1. Fox In The Snow (1031 N. 4th St.), $2.50.  This dump is Millennial Central and technically it’s Italian Village, but it’s well worth the scoot.  I’m a die-hard super fan of the Egg Sandwich there, but these Choco Chip Cookies are also just so so good.  There’s like a caramel situation happening in them that is on top of the chocolate business.  They’re the perfect size and saltiness and texture and bake.  It’s def the best cookie in the Short North and if you disagree, find a knife and sit on it.  Yow!  THIS IS THE WINNER.

Note – Tasi Cafe is cute and they sometimes have choco chip cookies, but they didn’t today, which is FUCKING BULLSHIT. But I like Tasi and so I put them on the map too….

And – that’s how I feel about that!

I’m going to see if I can’t track down the baker at Fox In The Snow for an exclusive interview!  Wouldn’t that be exciting!?  You bet your sweet ass it would!