Cookbooking: July 2019 Update

Hey team!

Remember when I started this blog because I was like “hey – I want to write a cookbook”?  And then, I completely stopped talking about writing a cookbook?

Haha – that’s funny.  No one reads this blog!

ANYWAY!  Some recent conversations with my LIFE COACH (my sister – hi fartface!) got me thinking about my goals and my PASSIONS and I was like “DANG IT!  I want to do this!”

Step 1 was to revisit my past thoughts on cookbooks.  Here’s a link to a rough draft on a table of contents.  THIS IS A LINK! CLICK!

Pretty good, but not good enough!  If I’m a publisher, I’m gonna be like “da fuq?”  There’s nothing special about that TOC.  Readers ain’t gonna be pre-ordering that shit!  Books today need SIZZLE.  They need PIZZAZZ!

(Pizzazz from the Jem show.  Remember her?  Nasty!)

Honestly the only interesting thing about that TOC blog post was my math fact about the distance between sequential squares.  I swear – that is some next level math wizardry.

Oh – and the jortbread shortbread.  That’s a winner and will DEFINITELY be in the cookbook.

Step 2: Define audience.  Listen up, team.  If you’re reading this blog, you’re buying the book.  That’s that.  It’ll be the best $49 you’ll ever spend.  I’m guessing it’ll be $49, but it might be more.  Sorry!  I can’t control tariffs or whatever.

You people are joy-lovers.  You love joy – full stop.

Do you care about the perfect bakes and accurate recipes?  Maybe – but you certainly understand that I’m not a competent person and you also understand that you can get cake and pie recipes literally anywhere else.   YOU WANT INSPIRATION!  YOU WANT A FANTASY ESCAPE FROM YOUR WORK-A-DAY LIVES!  YOU WANT BREEZY STORIES FROM AN OLD GAY IDIOT!

(Note to self, be sure to include a page in the book listing all the bakers with recipes way better than mine.)

Step 3:  Cookbook Insight.  Baking desserts can be fun, but can also be a drag.  Right?  There’s always some excitement at the beginning.  “Wow – look at me!  I’m mixing things!”  Then, there’s the tediousness of the actual bake.  And sometimes, there’s a resting period between the mixing and the baking.  And more waiting around between the baking and the decorating (you gotta chill your shits or else your decorations will melt off, stupid.)  Here’s where my cookbook comes in handy.  Each recipe comes with an activity page for you to work on during your waiting around.

When I was growing up, I had to wait around for my sister to finish her piano lessons.  To keep my quiet, my mom gave me this jumbo Snoopy activity book – and it fucking worked.  It was mazes and crosswords and word searches and matching games and hidden pictures.  How’s come this isn’t something adults have?  Now we have our dumb phones with dumb pornography…  I want more jumbles to work on!

So, this book will definitely come with activities.  For adults!  That aren’t porn!

Step 4:  Just start writing.  I think things fell apart the last couple of times I started because I got caught up in this circular circle of a cycle, which was I can’t start writing a book because I don’t have an agent and I don’t have an agent because I don’t have any awards or a large Instagram following or any real knowledge of anything.  So then I just sit and stew in my juices.  Meanwhile, all of these other people are writing cookbooks.  Including ZAC POSEN.  He doesn’t know shit about baking or cooking or anything.  He just makes pins for Kohl’s.  Fuck this dude.  If he can write a cookbook full of gay white nonsense – I CAN TOO!  Remember this picture of asparagus from the ZP cookbook?

I mean….  Hello?????

Sorry – I got sidetracked.

Anyway – I just need to get some recipes and some cute anecdotes and some activities together and then all the agents and publishers will be slobbering all over themselves to get me signed.  I JUST KNOW IT!

And so that’s that.  I’ve got some surprises and some delights that are happening and I’m real excited and re-energized!  I feel like a bird, y’all!  Ca-caw!