On Valentine’s Day

Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hello!

I did some digging around on the origins of Valentine’s Day and I was NOT DISAPPOINTED! Y’all – it’s wild!

OK – so back in ancient Roman times, Feb 14 was right in the middle of this festival called Lupercalia – which celebrated the she-wolf who gave her sweet sweet wolf milk to Romulus & Remus.

OH HELLO!

Image result for romulus remus statue

The wolf priests of Rome would honor Mama Wolf by sacrificing a goat and a dog and having a party. Oh – and – because they were all about getting the most out of their sacrifices, they made dang whipping lashes out of the goat and dog hides.

Now, here’s where it gets exciting. The menfolk would get real nude, real crunk and oiled up and take their goat / dog lashes and run around the city whipping their ladies (playfully, obviously), which (also obviously) would inspire fertility. FACT: these whips were called februa, which is where we get the word February – goat / dog whips, y’all! NEAT!!!!!

At some point, the ladies put their names in a jar and then naked guys pull the names out and – wow! neat! – that’s your love partner for the day. Toga Tinder! (Note – toga tinder is so stupid – come up with better joke later….)

So, here we are – it’s February and the Romans are naked, so much whipping, do the dirty all over town. THEN – the Christians move into the neighborhood and they’re like “Jesus Christ”. (literally!) “We can’t have this nonsense – no way no day! But we do like the idea of light snacks and maybe a fun mixer. Let’s co-opt this shitshow with a more dressed-up version. Hey – do we have any saints martyred in February? Valentine? Sure – let’s name it after that guy.”

This is 100% absolutely the story of Valentine’s Day and don’t even bother looking it up on the Internet, because I’ve already told you what it is and I’m a man – DON’T QUESTION ME!

BONUS (Bone-us?): here’s St. Valentine’s skull which is in Rome! Neat Neat Neat!

Image result for st valentine skull