NPR Cranberry Relish


Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi!

Hey – who here likes to listen to NPR while you cry in the bathtub? 🙋🏼‍♂️

Well, if you’re as much of an Ari Shapir-ho like me, you probs know all about the annual cranberry relish reporting. Susan Stanberg is the NPR arts & crafts expert and legend has it that one thanksgiving, Lady Stanberg brings in her mother-in-law’s (mother’s-in-law???? Help???) cranberry relish. This relish makes serious waves at the NPR potluck. Steve Innskeep is like “KEEP that relish away from me”. Yuki Noguchi is like “This relish is a big fat NO SCOOCHIE!” Ofeibea Quist-Arcton is like “this relish makes me want to barf! DAKARRRRRRRRRRR!”

You see – this cranberry relish is cranberries, onion, sugar, sour cream and horseradish all just jazzed up in a food processor and served with crackers. That’s right, team. See the recipe RIGHT HERE!

Well, I’ve been listening to Susie-Q Stambo’s relish reporting for years now and I just had to know – what does this shit taste like? Well, the results are in – it’s fucking awful. I wish I was exaggerating, but I AM NOT.

I recognize that my tastebuds may not be the most refined, so I’m going to take it to my sister’s house on Thursday and force all of my relatives to taste it and rank it on a scale from garbage to not-garbage! I’ll report back AFTERWARDS!

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